


Head Over Feet

by Wushu76



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-03
Updated: 2013-03-03
Packaged: 2017-12-04 04:37:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/706631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wushu76/pseuds/Wushu76
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reflections on the unlikeliest of relationships.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Head Over Feet

**Author's Note:**

> This is set some time after season three, although when is rather amorphous. I’m honestly not completely sure why the ideas came to me, but I heard the song and the story just appeared in my mind. Written in 2006.

_I had no choice but to hear you._

 

John had never had a chance. From the very first time he’d laid eyes on Rodney McKay he’d heard him. First it was weeks of being told to think about and then at things, wondering all the while if this is what it felt like to be performing animal. Then Atlantis. In the beginning McKay had been as loud as before, and although it didn’t always look like it, he’d still heard him. Heard enough to realise that in understanding Rodney, you needed to look beneath what was being said to what Rodney meant. He’d also learnt that the time you truly had to hear Rodney was when he was silent. In silence Rodney spoke more than with his longest rants. The silence only came when Rodney’s true emotions could no longer be covered by the bluster. In silence Rodney screamed. He’d learnt to read Rodney, sometimes through instinctive understanding, other times through painful mistakes. From the very start he’d heard Rodney.

 

_You stated your case time and again._  
  


Surprisingly it had been Rodney who’d pursued him. Their friendship had in turn amazed, amused and driven him mad, but it was the truest friendship he’d ever known. True enough that he hadn’t hidden himself or his preferences from Rodney, for the first time in years. It had been a relief to be open and honest with someone, to have Rodney be as open with him in return had been such a relaxing pleasure. In the fucked up situation they were living in, he’d found somewhere he could just be John for a little while. He didn’t have to be someone’s sounding board or the CO guiding a team of Marines. He was a pilot for gods’ sake, he wasn’t meant to be commanding a bunch of jarheads. When he was with Rodney he could let all of that go and just be John, the weird guy who loved to fly, run and do math.

 

_I thought about it._

 

When Rodney had propositioned him, he’d needed to think about it, long and hard. He would be risking a lot by getting involved with Rodney; they would be risking a lot. The first thing that had come to his mind was not his career or how to deal with phobic jarheads, but what if he lost his friend. The one place in his life he could be himself, relax and just let it all hang out. It was perhaps the most revealing thought he had about them becoming a couple, realising how important Rodney had become to him, in such a short period of time. He didn’t say yes, or no for that matter, for a long time. Actuating his emotions was hardly John’s strong point, but when it was important enough he could manage it. Articulating them to Rodney of all people had been hellish, but he had sat Rodney down and explained why he was hesitating. The first time they had spent the night together had been a revelation for them both.

 

_You treat me like I’m a princess._  
  


Even when he’d been close to hating the man he’d loved the gentlemanly touches, a hand to the small of his back, escorting him around a corner or the gesture that he should enter a room first, that it was his city. It had warmed him, in ways he’d never expected. Rodney had seen it, in fact he’d even confessed to feeling it as well. Things in Atlantis were raw; full of heated in the moment passions. Although they had realised from their first night together it was much more than just a buddy-fuck, the intensity of what they felt and where they were feeling it meant they seldom had a chance to enjoy the sweeter and softer side of romance. He liked romance. He loved spending hours just kissing, touching, learning his lovers. Seeing that side, being treated to that side in someone else had made him wonder suddenly if this was how his former lovers had felt when he’d done the same for them.

 

_I’m not used to liking that._  
  


That type of treatment had always been something he’d given to others, normally his girlfriends at that. It had taken a while for him to get used to being on the receiving end. Even more for him to comprehend they were being courted. That the most surprising person had realised what was going on, and in contrast to his every expectation, not only seemed to approve, but seemed to want to join them. He remembered the invitation, for just the two of them, Rodney and John, to join him on the Daedalus for a meal. They had wondered what was going on, joked about it being a date, even joked about which one of them the man was really interested in, but mostly they had been confused. They had gotten to the mess to find an intimate dinner for three, lovely wine, great food and even better company. It had surprised the hell out of him and if the dinner itself had surprised him, the conversation after had shocked him to the core. Realising he wanted to say yes, that he liked what was going on had taken a while, but admitting it, that had taken three months. He hadn’t said the words to Rodney until the day before the Daedalus’ next arrival. He still wasn’t used to being on the other side, being the one who was romanced, but he was getting used to liking it.

 

_You ask how my day was._  
  


When all three of them were there, they got to do things that never happened when it was just he and Rodney. They got something that was remarkably normal in the midst of the irrational abnormality of their life. The first time he was asked how his day was, John had laughed for a good half an hour, but it had been a good laugh. It was so mundane, so normal; it meant nothing at all, yet everything to them. Eventually it became their short hand for so many things. Spending months apart at a time, and then hours of de-briefings, being shut up in a room with their missing third unable to greet each other as anything more than reluctant colleagues was painful. Asking about each other’s day had become code for we missed you, I missed the two of you, did you get hurt while I was away and I love you, both. All imparted with the same words and right under everyone’s noses. Rodney had told them several times how he really enjoyed that part of it. Everyone thought him Mr. Oblivious to social interaction and subtly, and there he was, hiding it from them all, in a simple question about someone's day.

 

_You’ve already won me over in spite of me._  
Don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet.  
  


His friendship with Rodney had formed almost in spite of the other mans faults, until he realised that without them Rodney wouldn’t be anywhere near as appealing. He fell in love with the complicated, contradictory bundle of strengths and weaknesses that made up a brilliant, egotistical, abrasive, intensely caring and protective man. Rodney stood at his side throughout it all, their best times and their worst, in storms and clear weather. He became the one person John was driven to protect at almost all costs. He’d had to learn to temper that need; there were times when protecting his lover simply couldn’t be his first priority. It had been a difficult thing to deal with and although, his training helped and the losses he’d suffered in the past did as well, it wasn’t enough when faced with losing his lover. They had almost destroyed their relationship before they learnt the balance required.

 

_And don’t be surprised if I love you for all that you are._  
I couldn’t help it; it’s all your fault.  
  


He fell long and hard, completely head over feet for a snarky, irritable, passionate man who had risen to each and every challenge that came their way. A man who had survived and in that survival thrived, growing into someone John was proud to call his friend and team mate. More importantly than that, to a person he was proud to call his lover, although he couldn’t say that publicly. John loved Rodney for all he was and in loving Rodney; he found his heart opened up to loving others, their friends and almost family. Their third. Every time Rodney asked him how they had gotten into this situation he always replied the same, that he couldn’t help it, and that it was all Rodney’s fault anyway.

  
_Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole._   
  


The first time he had seen John, the man had been about to die in defence of his command, something that was worthy of respect. Being able to save the then Major from that fate was gratifying. It was not until John was walking off his bridge, until they were safe, at least for the moment, that he had relaxed enough and could not resist the once over. He had told himself firmly it was nothing more than appreciation of a very attractive man and that was all it had been, at the time. Thinking little more of it until their next meeting, until he was watching the Major and the expedition’s CSO working together. He had expected emotions to be running high; by all account these people had become quite close in their year in the wilderness. The two men were also on a team together and he knew just what sorts of bonds that could forge, even between the unlikeliest of people. He knew they had all whipsawed through certain death to being saved against all odds and back to certain death a number of times. He could feel the tension ratchet up every moment he was there. What he had never expected was the atmosphere between the two men, the absolute trust and support they offered each other. The strength of emotion between them that thickened the air until he felt swallowed whole. He could hardly believe no one else saw it and eventually came to realise it was a matter of familiarity. They could not see what he did because they were blinded by what they knew. Blinded by the fact they had watched it developing, they could not see the relationship for what it had become. By the time the city had been cloaked, he was taking it for granted the two men were romantically involved.

 

_You’re so much braver than I gave you credit for._  
  


After reading their mission reports, spending time talking with them both, he realised they were much more than he had given them credit for. That John would die in the protection of civilians was nothing more than his duty, all be it an honourable act, but the major had also shown he would not ask anything of his men he was not willing to do himself. It was hardly every ‘flyboy’ that could earn respect and loyalty from Marines, especially not when he had gotten the command by shooting one of their own. For all his black marks, the man was impressive, much more than his personal jacket had indicated. He still had much to learn, and he still had an obvious issue with the chain of command, but John had proven himself an able leader and a true asset to the expedition However it had been Rodney McKay that had blown him out of the water. At times he was sure the man was a certifiable genius, at others simply certifiable. It was apparent he was frightened out of his mind a good deal of the time and yet, without the training the military received, he had learnt to harness his emotions, use them as inspiration and not allow them to control his actions. For a man who had been a sheltered academic only months before, it was just a little awe inspiring. Maybe more than a little. He had respected the mind from the start, but he’d soon learnt to respect the man.

 

_That’s not lip service._  
  


Getting past his own disappointment had been difficult, he had been offered the job prematurely and it was difficult to let go, however he was hardly unsatisfied with his current assignment, it was a wonderful challenge. He had come to realises that things really had turned out for the best. If he had gotten the position he could never have approached them, John would have either been back on Earth, Rodney might have even been with him, or the man would have been in his direct chain of command. Commanding Atlantis was not worth losing them. It had taken him a long time to convince his lovers of that. He had needed to do a lot of convincing in fact. He had needed to convince them both that he wanted them, not one or the other. It had taken some fast-talking that first night to convince Rodney that it was not a game, some attempt to get John with DADT or fraternisation. To convince them it wasn’t lip service, but how he truly felt. Rodney was like a pit bull when it came to protecting John. It was an unexpected comfort to know that protection now included him.

 

_You’ve already won me over in spite of me._  
Don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet.  
  


He was over fifty years old. A career Air Force officer. In a military that had the most ridiculous position on same sex relationships known to man. To find himself falling in love with a fellow officer and his civilian scientist lover was the last thing he’d ever expected. It was the last thing he’d needed or even wanted. No matter how hard he had fought his feelings, and oh how he had fought, tooth and nail. He had deliberately pushed and prodded at the antagonism between them, wanting John to resent him. Needing the hostility to keep him from making a fool of himself. For the first time in a decade he had actively searched for a lover when he was on leave, hoping that sating his physical desires would help control his feelings. It didn’t work though, no one was them. He was in too deep; he already loved too much to find someone else satisfying.

 

_And don’t be surprised if I love you for all that you are._  
I couldn’t help it; it’s all your fault.  
  


Even once he had accepted what he was feeling, he’d never intended on pursuing anything. He had no reason to think they would be amenable to his approach anyway, but the more time he spent with them, the more he wanted. He had started courting them without truly admitting to himself what he was doing and the more he did, the more he learnt and got to know them, discovered who they truly were, the more he felt, he couldn’t help it. It had become inevitable that he would try. He didn’t change his behaviour much at first, but he did watch their reactions to him much more. He watched them more in general. Completely unintentionally he had seen them kissing once. He’d learnt later it was one of less than a handful of times they had taken the risk of doing anything outside the privacy of their quarters. It had been one of the most powerful experiences in his life, watching the passion between them. He had been unable to deny himself the chance any longer. He couldn’t help it and in moments of joking he told them it was all their fault. Honestly though, he was thankful, more thankful for this than anything before in his life.

  
_You are the bearer of unconditional things._

 

Finding John had been the most amazing thing in his life, proof positive of the illogical belief that something can be more than the sum of its parts. Being with John somehow proved that one plus one equalled something much, much more than two, by an unknown but huge factor. It was impossible, it should have been impossible at least, but it was undeniably true. When the equation had become two plus one equals three to the power of something resembling infinity he wondered if uncontrolled happiness was making his brain run out his ears. Or maybe it was just too much mind blowing sex. Every love, every feeling, every emotional connection he’d had before this had been conditional or incomplete. He had thought that finding John had changed that, but it was when they found their third, that he realised it was only with the both them that it was true. Three should have been too complicated, too hard, too many factors for success, instead it had somehow simplified them. Three had come to equal one, a perfect wholeness of unconditioned acceptance and unconditional love. Surely mathematically impossible but it seemed unconditional things made maths a liar. It wasn’t John who brought that to them, and it certainly wasn’t him. It was what had made the best relationship of his life into something indescribably perfect. Three became one, impossible but true, probability approaching unity.

_You held your breath and the door for me._  
  


For a man who commanded one of the most complicated and technologically advanced ships ever built by Earth, he was remarkably old fashioned. Many of those unconscious traits became more and more appealing as time went on, against all expectations. Holding open a door for them, standing when Rodney entered the room or (John’s favourite) a hand on the small of his back, guiding him around something. At first Rodney had worried it might make him feel like he was being treated as the ‘girl’ in the relationship or perhaps he wasn’t considered an equal. However, the more of those courtesies he’d been offered, the more cherished he’d felt. It wasn’t until he’d confessed it, months later that Rodney had known his lover had been holding his breath the first time he’d deliberately made of those gestures, unsure if they would be accept it. They had and acceptance had quickly becoming treasuring.

 

_Thanks for your patience._  
  


They had made him wait. Their relationship had been the best either of them had ever known, and the thought of perhaps destroying it by including someone else was something they had both needed to consider for a long time. There was physical attraction there, chemistry of the kind he wasn’t going to experiment with in any lab, but that wasn’t enough to take such a huge risk. A relationship between the military commander and chief science officer was dangerous enough, but to add the commander of one of Earths few interstellar war ships, was likely the most insane plan in ten years of the star gate program, and hello, had you seen some of the things SG1 had pulled off? So their third had waited, until his quiet gentle wooing had won them over. Until the only possible answer was yes. It had been a broken courtship, with the Daedalus’ long absences it had sometimes crawled, but the waiting had made things so much better. They had done their very best to thank him for his patience, locked in a beautiful hotel room on their first visit back to Earth after they had become a couple, or was that a triple? Rodney was fairly sure though, that for their third, the best thanks they had ever given him was saying yes.

  
_You’re the best listener that I’ve ever met._   
  


It had taken him a long time to realise it, but one day it had dawned on him, John had always listened. Even if it didn’t seem so at the time, even if he’d been sure that John wasn’t, he would do something, sometimes days later, proving Rodney wrong. John Sheppard listened to him. Not to the bluster, to the words that were not even worth the air used to speak them, not to the insults that were often just one more way to express some of the emotions he could feel boiling inside him. To the important things, like I don’t want to die and please make me believe for a moment that we won’t, so I can gather my nerve to try and save us. Or I know I’m rude and arrogant but you’re my friend and I’m glad you’re alive. He was heard when John was there, he was listened to and understood, well most of the time. But John was better at listening to him than anyone he’d ever met.

 

_You’re my best friend, best friend with benefits._  
  


His first true friend, best friend in fact, had been music. It was a world he could escape into, a world where there was a clearly defined right and wrong, and he could get it right. It was his world until he was 12 years old. Eleven words later and his world had been blow apart. He’d lost his best friend and walked away without a backwards glance looking to find himself another one, a better one. Science. A place where he was right, where those complicated intangible emotions fell away and pure intellect was all that was required. Where he once again had a right and a wrong and he was better and faster and smarter at it than he ever had been at music. It was everything he’d ever dreamed it to be, until he’d met a certain dumb blonde. Who, it turned out, maybe wasn’t as dumb as he had thought. Who had taught him that there were as many intangibles in science as there was in any other pursuit. He didn’t walk away from this friendship, although it was hard at times not to, this time he’d worked for it. Surprisingly he’d found a new love for his profession and had carved a place for himself that was even better than before. The CSO position for the Atlantis expedition was the ultimate expression of his achievements. Then came John. He wasn’t sure how he’d managed to acquire John Sheppard as a best friend but it was an amazing head-trip. Suddenly he’d understood some of those intangibles that he’d been hiding from his whole life. He had a place that, even when he was wrong and when dealing with all this social interaction stuff that happened with a frequency he found painful, still welcomed him back. With John he didn’t have to be right, didn’t even have to be good at it, he could be Rodney and he was liked for it. Yes, they had make mistakes, huge, enormous, destroying solar system sized mistakes at times but somehow, they got past it. John Sheppard made him realise what a best friend truly was and what the benefits of a real, flesh and blood, friend could be. He had a best friend now, with more benefits than he’d ever expected.

 

_What took you so long?_  
  


Falling in love with a Kirk wannabe had never been a part of his life plan. He still wasn’t completely sure when John had moved from best friend, to lover and partner. Perhaps it had been the first night they made love, perhaps the first time they kissed. Maybe the afternoon he’d walked onto John’s favourite balcony and asked, without shuttering or making too much a fool of himself, if John would mind being asked out. By him. If there was a chance John could want more from their friendship, want the things that he wanted. It had taken John time to answer, time that had been a painful wait and he’d found hard to understand until John had explained why. That explanation had brought it home to him, just how important John was in his life and that he was equally important to John. He was willing to wait until John was ready, and even if he never was, he was willing to remain the best of friends, as sappy as the sentiment had made him. The first time they made love had been a revelation. This was what had been missing from his life. As they fell asleep, skin touching skin everywhere, he wondered, not sure if he was asking himself or John, what took you so long.

  
_I’ve never felt this healthy before._

 

He had never, ever been as healthy as he was now. Physically he might still be the weakest link when off world, but he was miles from where he’d been the first time he’d stepped through a Stargate into the unknown of the Pegasus galaxy. He was no soldier, but he could at least protect himself. He didn’t blow off his training with Ronon or Teyla any more and he put in his time in on the range. A less sedentary life style didn’t hurt with the whole potbelly thing, although he didn’t seem to ever lose it completely. Carson was happy and his back didn’t bother him as much. More importantly then that, John trusted him to watch his six and their lover trusted him to help bring John home when he needed bringing. He’d always been the smartest guy in the room, but being trusted with something that was so far outside his specialty that was the best feeling in the world. He was happy, they were happy. He’d never felt this good before.

  
_I’ve never wanted something rational._   
  


A threesome with two men in the American military was hardly wise. Living in the fabled lost city of Atlantis that happened to be in a completely different galaxy from the one he’d grown up in wasn’t much more logical. Reeling from one near death experience to another, fighting gothic wannabe vampires who sucked out your life energy through their hand was the antithesis of rational. Yet somehow it had become everything he wanted. The only thing that could make it better was if all three of them were in the city permanently.

 

_I am aware now, I am aware now._  
  


Self awareness had never really been high on his list of things that were important. In fact it was normally a fairly painful thing, gazing into his own soul, and he’d tended to avoid it. Living every day knowing it could very well be your last changed that. He had to be aware because he didn’t want to die with regrets. All three of them made sure they didn’t let the others leave angry. Made damn sure their last words were never heated or hurtful. Something that was much harder for him, words were his weapon of choice, had been since he was a child. He had forced himself to become aware of his words, to stop himself from lashing out. To make sure that if the worst really did happen, if it was last time they saw one and other and is became the goodbye that John was still seldom able to verbalise, that it was a memory were the only sadness was that it was their last.

 

_You’ve already won me over in spite of me.  
Don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet._

 

In spite of every protection he’d placed around his heart, of his own sure knowledge that he was inherently unable to form long term, committed relationships with anyone, two Air Force officers had proved him wrong. He mightn’t be what everyone dreamed of, their relationship was far from simple, even though it was the most basic part of them, but it turned out to be exactly what he needed. He had fallen so badly, head over heels was the only true description, although John did like saying he’d fallen heels over head. Being in love with the two of them had become his reason for surviving. It was why he fought, why he turned his brain to finding impossible solutions to illogical problems. Some days it was the only reason he got up and was still the reason at the end of those days he dragged himself to bed. Not his only one all the time, but every time he knew their time was up, dead men walking once more, he’d look into his soul and see those two calm expressions staring back at him. Then he started living again.

  
_And don’t be surprised if I love you for all that you are._   
_I couldn’t help it; it’s all your fault._   


He knew them, better than he’d ever known anyone in his life. It was therefore no surprise that he loved them for exactly who they were. For everything they were, good with the bad, weak with the strong. He was loved that way in return. He couldn’t help falling in love with John, and since everything that followed that was because of John, it therefore stood to reason it was all John’s fault. He made sure to remind him every time either of them tried to lay the blame on him. When he stood with them he was home, when he loved with them he was as close to pure joy as you could reach. As long as he was with them, everything else in his life was a clear second best, and that that was just fine with Rodney McKay.


End file.
